I have issues with sex.

I’m a sexual abuse survivor. Anyone who’s been sexually abused comes into sexuality with a handbag and 2 trunks of emotional baggage. I’ve been on SS Denial since I was a child.

And when we were trying to conceive there was a blatant point to having sex. Having a baby. That made it ok. Afterall, society couldn’t look down it’s nose at a married couple, young still, facing fertility problems trying to have a child.

And then when the child was born you get the excuse of body recuperation.

And if your child is sick you get a bonus 6 month reprieve.

However, there does come a point where sexuality, motherhood, couplehood and life clash.

I’m tired. Sex requires energy. So does doing the dishes. But sex requires an emotional investment, something I’m not ready to make, Something I feel inferior making. So the dishes it is. And laundry for good character.

I feel conflicted by sexual imagery.

I sometimes like what I see. I sometimes like it a lot.

But sometimes it scares me.

I’m not pretty like Eva Longoria. I’m not thin or have shiny hair. I don’t have nice breasts. Mine are saggy and droopy and currently nourish the body of a very rotund 9 month old. They serve a purpose and purposeful breasts aren’t sexy, to me anyways. And besides, they don’t LOOK like the breasts I see on tv. Perfect, sculpted breasts. Breasts that boys like.

And bodies. Don’t get me started on the bodies.

What we see isn’t real. It’s said over and over. I know there are 50 people off-set creating the magic. But it’s not real anyways. What they’re feeling isn’t real. What they’re doing isn’t real. And it makes me wonder if what I’m doing is ok. Emotionally uninvesting myself in my relationship. Because really, I can’t ask family about sex. I can’t ring my Mother-in-law up and ask her if she ever felt this way when looking at her naked body. Or ask her if she felt hung up on emotional issues when her husband’s hand touched her bottom.

Abuse survivors bring guilt into the game as well. Not only to we have more bodily hang-ups, failed relationships and mental problems, but we have guilt about sexuality. About wanting sex. About feeling GOOD about sex.

And hollywood makes it even worse. If sex is cold and casual, then how am I to feel about wanting to feel LOVE during sex? Is it real? Is it achievable? Am I some sort of daydream believer because I don’t want just a quick fuck — I want the real deal?

I’m not shy admitting I will avoid having sex. It’s a huge problem in my life. Something my husband is desperate to fix but not wanting to push the issue he ignores it. Something I too want to fix, and having been to therapy and back, I feel it’s the actual lack of real imagery that stuns me into cold silence.

Having only had a brief foray into sex before settling down I don’t know if what I do is good enough, real enough, hot enough. Maybe I’m just some sort of saggy, baggy elephant who’s hitting all the WRONG buttons? I doubt myself. I hurt myself all the time.

Today though, something struck me…just in the right spot. I had one of Oprah’s famed ‘a-ha’ moments.

A link took me to www.comstockfilms.com. Dubbed: ‘Real People, Real Life, Real Sex’ the site explores sexuality for real. In a documentary styled venture into 2 people’s life we meet, and enjoy, the couple and then venture into the velvety movement of their bodies.

I must say. I was stunned. I’m not a fan of porn. I am disgusted by a lot of what is sold to men. The fairytale behind that isn’t charming, in my opinion.

But watching the clips I thought, wow. Oh my goodness. So THIS is sex. For real. And I loved the charming banter of the couples.

I feel grown up right now. Like a real adult. I’ve confronted one of my demons — enjoying a sexual experience — and I can actively admit that I enjoyed it.

Which is probably a lot more information that you’ve wanted to hear from the mother of a child who doesn’t do a lot of sleeping.

If you’ve got the time and the inclination I encourage you to take a step into the realm of Comstock films.

It’s the first step I’ve taken to embracing that humans are allowed to be sexual beings. I’m sure Matt will love finding out his wife spent the afternoon studying porn.