Okay, that’s going to far. Let’s try again.

Stacy Grenrock Woods Has a Cunty Job

A few years ago Stacy Grenrock Woods was a correspondent for The Daily Show. She mananged to parlay that into a gig as a columnist for Esquire Magazine, which means that instead of doing her schtick under the guise of a reporter on a fake news show, now every month she does schtick under the guise of magazine sex advice columnist. For example, from the July 2005 edition of Esquire:

“If this all seems too flashy for you, you may want to try a title from Comstock Films, a company that specializes in films of real couples having real sex, documentary style. Founder and director Tony Comstock offers an alternative for those people who find themselves turned off by the established porn aesthetic… but the real-life approach has drawbacks as well. The chance of Chinese-character tattoos and yellowed futons increases by about 70 percent with this kind of thing. Basically, it all comes down to this: There’s porn, and then there are movies Diane Keaton would like. The choice is yours.”

Nice. Thanks Stacy.

This month Stacy takes on stinky pussy (Is this really a problem? In all my bachelor years I never encountered a twat that didn’t smell and taste divine!)

And some experts (the ones who would talk to us) don’t rule out that your diet could indeed be influencing what the bloggers keep referring to as your “congealed salmon and battery acid” flavor. (But don’t let them bother you. Take it from me: They’re just jealous!) Garlic and onions spring to mind. Curry is far from innocent. Antihistamines, too. Ultimate Guide to Cunnilingus author Violet Blue (who was kind enough to speak to me now that Blue Indigo Violet is no longer accepting my calls) posits that one can sweeten one’s taste by drinking “a smoothie that contains cucumber, mango, and pineapple juice once a day for three or four days,” and hopefully by that time, anyone who was considering oral sex with you will have moved on.

Needless to say, Violet Blue is kinda cheesed about this, the school yard name bullshit adn the gynophobic “sex-advice” too. I expect anyone who grew up with the name “Grenrock” knows a thing or two about the former.(Bonus: when she posed for Playboy in 1989 she listed “rudeness” as her pet peeve. Oh the irony!)

Here’s how it works.

The phone rings or there’s e-mail. An Esquire researcher wants to talk to you about an upcoming article. You are flattered, you are excited. The researcher is polite and interested. You tell them all sorts of stuff. When they ask you about other companies you list S.I.R. Productions as “female-friendly” porn. (Absolutely true, but probably not what they had in mind.) The researcher jots all of this down, thankful that he’s found a one-stop shop for all the notes he’s going to pass along to Stacy. Stacy never talks to you, she never sees your movie or anything from the other companies listed.

A month later you get a call from a fact checker. She wants to make sure that Comstock is spelled C O M S T O C K.

About a month after that the article comes out. Of course you are not happy to see something you care about, something you’ve worked hard for, made sacrifices for, treated like a joke.

But the next day the searches for [comstock films] are up, and over the next month or so sales rise too. Not enough to retire, but maybe enough to hire a baby sitter and take your wife out on a date. You feel a little less angry and disappointed, and a little more circumspect.

You will get more requests; magazines, newspapers, television. Some of these requests represent genuine interest in what you do, many do not.

You’ll feel flattered that someone regards you as an expert. But, because you feel like the “little guy” you will feel anxious when someone wants you to say something or do something that you don’t want to do. You think about how nice it was to spend an evening out with your wife, you think about the bills that come due each month–whether or not anyone buys any of your movies.

Then you say no.

When you say no you’ll get a note like this:

RE: Case Closed: Slick Transitions Story

Hi Tony,

As the editor on the Slick Transitions piece authored by Lxxxx, I wanted to deliver the news that we’ve opted to run with an alternate source for the Slick Transitions piece. With this and all stories, we confirm the accuracy of information with more than one source per article. I’ve been told that you expressed several concerns with various attributions and tips - and thus, given your reservations and our timeline, we’ve chosen to use another expert for the piece.

Best,
Kxxxxxx

The next month sales will be down, and you won’t know if it’s because your Google traffic is off, or because your name wasn’t in the that magazine. You will wonder if you should have said yes. You will wonder if you’re getting treated differently because what you do is about sex, and you’re supposed to be grateful anytime the mainstream press takes an interest. You live on coffee and bile for a few days (not a healthy diet.)

Then something will happen that will remind you why you do what you do:

I have issues with sex.

I’m a sexual abuse survivor. Anyone who’s been sexually abused comes into sexuality with a handbag and 2 trunks of emotional baggage. I’ve been on SS Denial since I was a child…

A link took me to www.comstockfilms.com. Dubbed: ‘Real People, Real Life, Real Sex’ the site explores sexuality for real. In a documentary styled venture into 2 people’s life we meet, and enjoy, the couple and then venture into the velvety movement of their bodies.

I must say. I was stunned. I’m not a fan of porn. I am disgusted by a lot of what is sold to men. The fairytale behind that isn’t charming, in my opinion.

But watching the clips I thought, wow. Oh my goodness. So THIS is sex. For real. And I loved the charming banter of the couples.

I feel grown up right now. Like a real adult. I’ve confronted one of my demons — enjoying a sexual experience — and I can actively admit that I enjoyed it.

I can only guess at what sort of personal baggage Stacy brings to her writing about sex, but I know all about the cultural baggage. It’s Tyra Banks making a cheap, undermining joke about faking orgasms; it’s ASHLEY AND KISHA getting banned, while DESTRICTED plays across town; it’s Stacy’s foul quip about congealed salmon and batteries acid. (Attributed to the blogging community, but Google comes up empty. Maybe that’s a peek into Stacy’s personal baggage after all.)

It’s that, when it comes to sex, it’s more acceptable to be flippant, condescending, disgusting, than it is to be sincere.

This entry was posted on Saturday, December 1st, 2007 at 7:24 am and is filed under Esquire Magazine, Press & Publicity, Stacy Grenrock Woods, Violet Blue, embracing flesh. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.