Okay, that’s going to far. Let’s try again.

Stacy Grenrock Woods Has a Cunty Job

A few years ago Stacy Grenrock Woods was a correspondent for The Daily Show. She mananged to parlay that into a gig as a columnist for Esquire Magazine, which means that instead of doing her schtick under the guise of a reporter on a fake news show, now every month she does schtick under the guise of magazine sex advice columnist. For example, from the July 2005 edition of Esquire:

“If this all seems too flashy for you, you may want to try a title from Comstock Films, a company that specializes in films of real couples having real sex, documentary style. Founder and director Tony Comstock offers an alternative for those people who find themselves turned off by the established porn aesthetic… but the real-life approach has drawbacks as well. The chance of Chinese-character tattoos and yellowed futons increases by about 70 percent with this kind of thing. Basically, it all comes down to this: There’s porn, and then there are movies Diane Keaton would like. The choice is yours.”

Nice. Thanks Stacy.

This month Stacy takes on stinky pussy (Is this really a problem? In all my bachelor years I never encountered a twat that didn’t smell and taste divine!)

And some experts (the ones who would talk to us) don’t rule out that your diet could indeed be influencing what the bloggers keep referring to as your “congealed salmon and battery acid” flavor. (But don’t let them bother you. Take it from me: They’re just jealous!) Garlic and onions spring to mind. Curry is far from innocent. Antihistamines, too. Ultimate Guide to Cunnilingus author Violet Blue (who was kind enough to speak to me now that Blue Indigo Violet is no longer accepting my calls) posits that one can sweeten one’s taste by drinking “a smoothie that contains cucumber, mango, and pineapple juice once a day for three or four days,” and hopefully by that time, anyone who was considering oral sex with you will have moved on.

Needless to say, Violet Blue is kinda cheesed about this, the school yard name bullshit adn the gynophobic “sex-advice” too. I expect anyone who grew up with the name “Grenrock” knows a thing or two about the former.(Bonus: when she posed for Playboy in 1989 she listed “rudeness” as her pet peeve. Oh the irony!)

Here’s how it works.

The phone rings or there’s e-mail. An Esquire researcher wants to talk to you about an upcoming article. You are flattered, you are excited. The researcher is polite and interested. You tell them all sorts of stuff. When they ask you about other companies you list S.I.R. Productions as “female-friendly” porn. (Absolutely true, but probably not what they had in mind.) The researcher jots all of this down, thankful that he’s found a one-stop shop for all the notes he’s going to pass along to Stacy. Stacy never talks to you, she never sees your movie or anything from the other companies listed.

A month later you get a call from a fact checker. She wants to make sure that Comstock is spelled C O M S T O C K.

About a month after that the article comes out. Of course you are not happy to see something you care about, something you’ve worked hard for, made sacrifices for, treated like a joke.

But the next day the searches for [comstock films] are up, and over the next month or so sales rise too. Not enough to retire, but maybe enough to hire a baby sitter and take your wife out on a date. You feel a little less angry and disappointed, and a little more circumspect.

You will get more requests; magazines, newspapers, television. Some of these requests represent genuine interest in what you do, many do not.

You’ll feel flattered that someone regards you as an expert. But, because you feel like the “little guy” you will feel anxious when someone wants you to say something or do something that you don’t want to do. You think about how nice it was to spend an evening out with your wife, you think about the bills that come due each month–whether or not anyone buys any of your movies.

Then you say no.

When you say no you’ll get a note like this:

RE: Case Closed: Slick Transitions Story

Hi Tony,

As the editor on the Slick Transitions piece authored by Lxxxx, I wanted to deliver the news that we’ve opted to run with an alternate source for the Slick Transitions piece. With this and all stories, we confirm the accuracy of information with more than one source per article. I’ve been told that you expressed several concerns with various attributions and tips - and thus, given your reservations and our timeline, we’ve chosen to use another expert for the piece.

Best,
Kxxxxxx

The next month sales will be down, and you won’t know if it’s because your Google traffic is off, or because your name wasn’t in the that magazine. You will wonder if you should have said yes. You will wonder if you’re getting treated differently because what you do is about sex, and you’re supposed to be grateful anytime the mainstream press takes an interest. You live on coffee and bile for a few days (not a healthy diet.)

Then something will happen that will remind you why you do what you do:

I have issues with sex.

I’m a sexual abuse survivor. Anyone who’s been sexually abused comes into sexuality with a handbag and 2 trunks of emotional baggage. I’ve been on SS Denial since I was a child…

A link took me to www.comstockfilms.com. Dubbed: ‘Real People, Real Life, Real Sex’ the site explores sexuality for real. In a documentary styled venture into 2 people’s life we meet, and enjoy, the couple and then venture into the velvety movement of their bodies.

I must say. I was stunned. I’m not a fan of porn. I am disgusted by a lot of what is sold to men. The fairytale behind that isn’t charming, in my opinion.

But watching the clips I thought, wow. Oh my goodness. So THIS is sex. For real. And I loved the charming banter of the couples.

I feel grown up right now. Like a real adult. I’ve confronted one of my demons — enjoying a sexual experience — and I can actively admit that I enjoyed it.

I can only guess at what sort of personal baggage Stacy brings to her writing about sex, but I know all about the cultural baggage. It’s Tyra Banks making a cheap, undermining joke about faking orgasms; it’s ASHLEY AND KISHA getting banned, while DESTRICTED plays across town; it’s Stacy’s foul quip about congealed salmon and batteries acid. (Attributed to the blogging community, but Google comes up empty. Maybe that’s a peek into Stacy’s personal baggage after all.)

It’s that, when it comes to sex, it’s more acceptable to be flippant, condescending, disgusting, than it is to be sincere.

“a love for you allows me to pray to the spirit of eternal beauty and tenderness mirrored in your eyes… it allows me to burst into tears of pity and love at some slight word…while my head is wedged in between your fat thighs, my hands clutching the round cushions of your bum and my tongue licking ravenously up your rank red cunt…All I have written above is only a moment or two of brutal madness. The last drop of seed has hardly been squirted up your cunt before it is over and my true love for you, the love of my verses, the love of my eyes for your strange luring eyes, comes blowing over my soul like a wind of spices.”

Guess who?

Why do I make films? So I can get note like this!

Tony,
My wife and I watched this DVD last night. It was a wonderful change from the more typical adult films on the market. You feel as though you really get to know Matt and Khym. There are so many similarities between my wife and I and Matt and Khym. We met when I was just out of high school and my wife was still a junior in high school. We are both in our early 40’s and rarely can you find an adult film with people our age. Just like Matt and Khym, once we bought our home it seemed as though we always have others living with us. Even now, with 2 children and a mom in the home it feels as though we do have to “sneak around” to make love. We also look forward to the day when we can “do it” any time the feeling is there. The lovemaking scene was wonderful. We barely made it all the way through before our own desires took over. Thanks again for a great film about making love.

Sincerely,
L–, California

“Porn is about fantasy.” In the last ten years, I’ve heard that refrain a thousand times; mostly as an excuse for pornography’s manifold shortcomings. Fantasy as an excuse for misogyny. Fantasy as an excuse for racism. Fantasy as an excuse for bad movie-making.

And what about empathy?

DIE HARD is a fantasy, with automatic weapons and explosions and a dozen other things (we hope) we’ll never experience in real life. But it’s our empathy with Everyman John McClane that makes the movie work. If we don’t care about John McClane, we don’t care about the peril he is in, and we won’t care when he triumphs in the end. This is entertainment 101, understood at least since Aristotle.

In more recent times it has been suggested that arousal is incompatable with empathy; that desire, enflamed by explicit depictions of sex, casts a haze through which no other emotion can penetrate; that this haze must be “wiped way” in order to see other, deeper, more important emotions.

This is rubbish.

“I have been a photographer my entire adult life. In the name of bearing witness to the human condition I’ve documented unspeakable suffering, violence, and death; and for that I’ve been praised as a courageous witness. When I review the scope of people, places and events that have passed before my lens, I am unable to comprehend the censor’s rationale for “protecting” adults from photographic images of sexuality.”

Along with being a photographer, I am also an ambivalent agnostic. Today is one of those days when I lean towards a suspicion that there is indeed a divine being who (for reasons that utterly defy my comprehension) takes an intimate interest my affairs.

What’s special about today? Today we got our first order from Rwanda.

MATT AND KHYM has moved from the editing suite to the DVD authoring suite, and that means that there are only a few days left to get this wonderful film at the discount pre-order price of $12.95. MATT AND KHYM is another shot-on-film, anamorphic wide-screen release; you won’t find a sexually explicit film that’s more beautifully rendered.

But what makes this film truly special are Matt and Khym, and their story of a love affair that stretches back to the 1980s, when he was 21 and she was just 18 and still a virgin! Never before have we had a chance to visit with a couple who’ve shared so many years with each other before they shared themselves with us, and the result is a “hardcore love story” of deep resonance. If you’re a romantic old fool like me, or even a romantic young fool, you’re going to love MATT AND KHYM!

Meanwhile, here’s a lovely little peek at this lovely little film. Enjoy!

In case you haven’t noticed, thanks to the generous patronage of Pjur USA, there’s a freebie when you by the Damon and Hunter DVD – a little bottle of Pjur Original, the same lube Damon and Hunter use, and the same one that in my and Peggy’s night-stand.

It’s truly luscious stuff. It is, of course, absolutely wonderful for keeping your sex parts super slippery when you make love, but it is also absolutely wonderful for rubbing all over the object of your affection. With a few drops of Eros, hands glide effortlessly over tired, tense shoulders, uncrinkle bent spines, and soothe aching legs. Try that with any other lube and you’ll just have a sticky mess. With Eros you’ll be a slippery as a seal and ready for whatever comes next!

And after you’ve had your slippery fun, no need to jump in the shower. Just doze off in each others arms. By morning it will have disappeared; no stains on the sheets, no clumps or gobs, nothing save perhaps a just enough left over slipperiness in your deepest crevices to start the day right without hunting around for the bottle!

If you haven’t tried Bodyglide, perhaps you’re intimidated by the price. Yes, by the ounce it’s about the most expensive lube you can buy. But buy the application it’s no more costly than any other quality lube, and no other lube feels like, or lasts like Pjur.

But if you’re still not convinced (and you live in Melbourne), we’ve cooked up a little surprise with Pjur AU for the MUFF screening of Damon and Hunter. That’s all I’m at liberty to say right now, except to promise you that we’re not going to go getting you all worked up with our sexy little film, and then send you off into the night having to fend for yourself. Once watching Damon and Hunter gets you going, we’ll make sure you have everything you need to keep going, and going and going! After all, the best way to cap a fun, sexy, provocative evening out is to have a sexy, slippery, sensuous night in!

Morning in Casa Comstock; let out the dogs, set water to boil for coffee, change the younger daughter’s diaper, check the overnight e-mail, rouse the older daughter from slumber, check the server stats, make breakfast. Are you dressed? Did you brush your teeth? The bus is coming, we’re going to be late…

Well this morning we are late, late because of comments left that Jen P left on my and Peggy’s blogs, and the post she made on her own blog. It doesn’t really excerpt, so here’s the entire post:

Embracing FleshLet’s talk about sex here folks. If you’re of the ilk that doesn’t like to read these things…then go, far, far away because I’m breaking some serious ice into my own issues.

A couple of times a month, I’ll get a note from someone telling me they were so moved by one of our films that they got a little choked up, or shed a few happy tears. I am of course delighted by these notes. I’m a sentimentalist, and for me, getting an authentic emotional response (laughter, tears, arousal) is the highest praise a person can bestow. Finding that gentle edge is a big part of why it takes me so long to make each film; and when it works, no one gets more weepy-eyed at my films than I do. (If I’m not laughing/crying/aroused, why would anyone else be?)

But today is the first time I’ve ever got choked up by what someone’s said about my work. Not just choked up, I feel unstrung by what Jen B wrote.

Don’t get me wrong, it feels good, it feels very good. But more even more than good, it feels a lot; it’s quite a bit more feeling than I was expecting straight out of the gate on a Monday morning, and I’m a little overwhelmed by it.

Last week the edit Matt and Khym got so hot it literally burned up the G5 we bought at the begining of the year and it needs to be replaced. The sun’s come back out and the lawn needs mowing. And my brain has been scrambled (in a good way, but scrambled none the less) by Jen B’s post.

I’m hitting “post” and taking the rest of the day off!