Long time readers may remember my post from early January of 2007, The Secret Formula for Making Boring  Porn, Part 2, and may also remember that it ended up linked to a Boing Boing post entitled “Media overestimates porn industy’s girth.”

The reason we got that traffic-driving, google-rank improving link is because I spoon fed the information in the post to Boing Boing editor Xeni Jardin. I sent her the link to my post. I sent her the links to the ADT post she quoted, I sent her the link the the Luke Ford post she quote. I gave her the Forbes links. And I put them all in context so it would be easy for her to turn it into a news item. This is how the modern world of media works. You send out notes to gate keepers like Xeni Jardin or Andrew Sullivan, or Richard Corliss, and sometimes you get a mention. This is how a guerrilla operation like the Comstock Films public relations department (i.e. yours truly) monetizes expertise, experience and cunning. (more…)

Distribution thought for the day:

You will never see Violet Blue’s EROTIC ROLE PLAY: A GUIDE FOR COUPLES in the remainder bin at Barnes & Noble.

What can I say? I was just over at TinyNibbles.com and saw that Violet has named ASHLEY AND KISHA: FINDING THE RIGHT FIT to her Top Five of 2007 list! Also on the list:

Triple Ecstasy, dir. Kimberly Kane
Debbie Loves Dallas, dir. Eon McKai
Tristan Taormino’s Chemistry #3, dir. Tristan Taormino
Skateboard Kink Freak, dir. Maria Beatty

Okay, that’s going to far. Let’s try again.

Stacy Grenrock Woods Has a Cunty Job

A few years ago Stacy Grenrock Woods was a correspondent for The Daily Show. She mananged to parlay that into a gig as a columnist for Esquire Magazine, which means that instead of doing her schtick under the guise of a reporter on a fake news show, now every month she does schtick under the guise of magazine sex advice columnist. For example, from the July 2005 edition of Esquire:

“If this all seems too flashy for you, you may want to try a title from Comstock Films, a company that specializes in films of real couples having real sex, documentary style. Founder and director Tony Comstock offers an alternative for those people who find themselves turned off by the established porn aesthetic… but the real-life approach has drawbacks as well. The chance of Chinese-character tattoos and yellowed futons increases by about 70 percent with this kind of thing. Basically, it all comes down to this: There’s porn, and then there are movies Diane Keaton would like. The choice is yours.”

Nice. Thanks Stacy.

This month Stacy takes on stinky pussy (Is this really a problem? In all my bachelor years I never encountered a twat that didn’t smell and taste divine!)

And some experts (the ones who would talk to us) don’t rule out that your diet could indeed be influencing what the bloggers keep referring to as your “congealed salmon and battery acid” flavor. (But don’t let them bother you. Take it from me: They’re just jealous!) Garlic and onions spring to mind. Curry is far from innocent. Antihistamines, too. Ultimate Guide to Cunnilingus author Violet Blue (who was kind enough to speak to me now that Blue Indigo Violet is no longer accepting my calls) posits that one can sweeten one’s taste by drinking “a smoothie that contains cucumber, mango, and pineapple juice once a day for three or four days,” and hopefully by that time, anyone who was considering oral sex with you will have moved on.

Needless to say, Violet Blue is kinda cheesed about this, the school yard name bullshit adn the gynophobic “sex-advice” too. I expect anyone who grew up with the name “Grenrock” knows a thing or two about the former.(Bonus: when she posed for Playboy in 1989 she listed “rudeness” as her pet peeve. Oh the irony!)

Here’s how it works.

The phone rings or there’s e-mail. An Esquire researcher wants to talk to you about an upcoming article. You are flattered, you are excited. The researcher is polite and interested. You tell them all sorts of stuff. When they ask you about other companies you list S.I.R. Productions as “female-friendly” porn. (Absolutely true, but probably not what they had in mind.) The researcher jots all of this down, thankful that he’s found a one-stop shop for all the notes he’s going to pass along to Stacy. Stacy never talks to you, she never sees your movie or anything from the other companies listed.

A month later you get a call from a fact checker. She wants to make sure that Comstock is spelled C O M S T O C K.

About a month after that the article comes out. Of course you are not happy to see something you care about, something you’ve worked hard for, made sacrifices for, treated like a joke.

But the next day the searches for [comstock films] are up, and over the next month or so sales rise too. Not enough to retire, but maybe enough to hire a baby sitter and take your wife out on a date. You feel a little less angry and disappointed, and a little more circumspect.

You will get more requests; magazines, newspapers, television. Some of these requests represent genuine interest in what you do, many do not.

You’ll feel flattered that someone regards you as an expert. But, because you feel like the “little guy” you will feel anxious when someone wants you to say something or do something that you don’t want to do. You think about how nice it was to spend an evening out with your wife, you think about the bills that come due each month–whether or not anyone buys any of your movies.

Then you say no.

When you say no you’ll get a note like this:

RE: Case Closed: Slick Transitions Story

Hi Tony,

As the editor on the Slick Transitions piece authored by Lxxxx, I wanted to deliver the news that we’ve opted to run with an alternate source for the Slick Transitions piece. With this and all stories, we confirm the accuracy of information with more than one source per article. I’ve been told that you expressed several concerns with various attributions and tips - and thus, given your reservations and our timeline, we’ve chosen to use another expert for the piece.

Best,
Kxxxxxx

The next month sales will be down, and you won’t know if it’s because your Google traffic is off, or because your name wasn’t in the that magazine. You will wonder if you should have said yes. You will wonder if you’re getting treated differently because what you do is about sex, and you’re supposed to be grateful anytime the mainstream press takes an interest. You live on coffee and bile for a few days (not a healthy diet.)

Then something will happen that will remind you why you do what you do:

I have issues with sex.

I’m a sexual abuse survivor. Anyone who’s been sexually abused comes into sexuality with a handbag and 2 trunks of emotional baggage. I’ve been on SS Denial since I was a child…

A link took me to www.comstockfilms.com. Dubbed: ‘Real People, Real Life, Real Sex’ the site explores sexuality for real. In a documentary styled venture into 2 people’s life we meet, and enjoy, the couple and then venture into the velvety movement of their bodies.

I must say. I was stunned. I’m not a fan of porn. I am disgusted by a lot of what is sold to men. The fairytale behind that isn’t charming, in my opinion.

But watching the clips I thought, wow. Oh my goodness. So THIS is sex. For real. And I loved the charming banter of the couples.

I feel grown up right now. Like a real adult. I’ve confronted one of my demons — enjoying a sexual experience — and I can actively admit that I enjoyed it.

I can only guess at what sort of personal baggage Stacy brings to her writing about sex, but I know all about the cultural baggage. It’s Tyra Banks making a cheap, undermining joke about faking orgasms; it’s ASHLEY AND KISHA getting banned, while DESTRICTED plays across town; it’s Stacy’s foul quip about congealed salmon and batteries acid. (Attributed to the blogging community, but Google comes up empty. Maybe that’s a peek into Stacy’s personal baggage after all.)

It’s that, when it comes to sex, it’s more acceptable to be flippant, condescending, disgusting, than it is to be sincere.

British art and culture critic Bryan Appleyard is trying to say something about fame and the internet and “Web 2.0″, but since he gets nearly all of the technical details wrong, it’s hard to tell what point he’s making, other than that he doesn’t like a lot of what he sees on the online.

Of course no curmudgeonly rant about the vapidity of the internet would be complete without a mention of sex and porn. So who’s Bryan’s target? Violet Blue! Writes Bryan:

“In Web 1.0, human nature expressed itself primarily through lust and greed. Everybody was trying – and failing – to find new ways of making money, and delivering pornography was the main purpose of the web. Both are still present in Web 2.0, but they have changed. Making money, through online gambling and advertising focused on individual users, for example, exploits the new levels of interactivity. Pornography is now delivered with streaming video and, frequently, high levels of interactivity. In addition, there are now porn social-networking sites. You can post your home-made porn on one site and join in the fun as a voyeur on another. And there are endless sites offering the full 2.0 sex experience. Violet Blue calls herself a “pro-blogger, podcaster, vlogger and femmebot”. She’s written “ultimate guides” to cunnilingus and fellatio and, of course, The Smart Girl’s Guide to the G-Spot. Her site is a sex shop and supermarket of self-promotion – lust and recognition all in one super-refined techno-package. As one leading British thinker put it, “How come the highest technology is always used for the lowest purposes?” (Emphasis mine.)

I can’t tell you who Bryan’s “leading British thinker” is. The quote only returns Bryan’s diatribe on Google, and it’s not in any of the quotation books I have either. Pity, because I’d like to see the context of the quote, and make my own judgement as to whether this “leading British thinker” believes the enjoyment of sex is “the lowest purpose.” Obviously Bryan does, which I suppose explains why he is so sardonic about his advancing age.

None of us are as young as we used to be, Bryan.

Unlike Bryan’s blog, Violet’s doesn’t even allow user comments, which are the sin non qua for Web 2.0. Nor is there any other aspect of user-interactivity on Tinynibbles.com, and there’s even less adverting than on TinyNibbles.com than there is on Bryan’s site.

Bryan, why such a hard-on for Ms. Blue?

Photo from Violet Blue’s TinyNibbles.com

Ten years ago I wanted to make a film that actually showed people enjoying sex that would be good enough that HBO would put them on the TV. Then Peggy and I actually met with the producer and the director of Real Sex and decided I didn’t care if my films were ever on HBO.

Five years ago I wanted to make a film that was fully intented to make people aroused that would be good enough that Sundance would play it in their film festival. Then Sundance played Destricted and I decided that I didn’t care if none of my films ever played at Sundance.

Two years ago I was talking with Freddy, of FreddyandEddy.com about how much the media loves the “nice normal couple, but omigod! they make PORN or they sell SEX TOYS” and how yeah, it’s an angle, but it’s an angle that kind of misses the point – that most of the time, sex is nice and sex is normal.

Then Freddy went on to tell me about how he and Eddy weren’t going to do anymore magazine interviews or TV appearances or any of that stuff, unless it was….and then I finished his sentence by saying “Oprah.”

The couple of stores that sell magazines in our town are already closed. I guess I’ll have to wait till tomorrow to see if they have the July issue of O magazine.

Violet told me about this a couple of weeks ago, and I hinted at it in our last newsletter. But I guess now that it’s posted on the TinyNibbles.com website it’s official – Comstock Films is getting the Oprah Winfrey seal of approval. Says Violet in her O Magazine article:

“Comstock Films’ Xana and Dax and Marie and Jack — insanely high quality production documentary style videos about couples deeply in love, who talk about how they met, and sex, and then show us all how they make love to each other. Shot on film, thigh-clenching chemistry between people who are sexy as hell and really love each other.”

Insaneley! Deeply! Thigh-clenching chemistry! I am insanely, deeply, thigh-clenchingly excited!

I am also wondering what the hell is happening. If we’re living in a world where Violet Blue is giving Oprah Winfrey advice on what to rent so she can heat things up a stay home date with Steadman, or enjoy a nice gushy afternoon wank with herself, can cold fusion be far behind?

I’m also thinking that porn (or erotica or adult films or whatever the fuck you want to call them) has officially run out of excuses for being lame, and that includes me. The bar has been raised on what’s possible, and crybaby excuses (including my own) aren’t going to cut it anymore. Thanks to Violet, the door is open (more like kicked clean off its hinges!) Who’s going to have the gumption to walk through it? Here are a few candidates:

Tina Tyler

Tristan Taormino

Audacia Ray

Maria Beatty

Now I can already hear the Chatsworth old-guard, “Well O is a chick magazine and those are all chick directors.” True enough. But riddle me this, Batman: when was the last time Esquire, or Maxim, or even Playboy called out four male porn directors in one issue?

Feel free to answer (if you can) in the comments below. I’m not going to hold my breath.

(BTW, watching movie The Color Purple is a major plot point in our newest film Ashley & Kisha. I love these sorts of coincidences!)

“Google Strokes the Porn Guy”, that’s the headline for the article that ran in the Easter Sunday edition of The New York Post; several hours of genuinely interesting conversation with writer Damon Brown about sex and technology and art and filmmaking, boiled down to by the Post’s editors to 300 words that quite nearly get the story Google story straight. A couple of corrections:

1) I didn’t write to Google. I wrote Violet Blue, who made this post to her blog. Her post was picked up by Boing Boing. Somewhere in that chain of events is where our problem came to the attention of Google’s Matt Cutts, who was responsive and helpful.

2) The Post article makes it sound like I passed on private e-mail. I didn’t. I did point the writer to this post, Google’s Matt Cutts Wants to Know More About Sex, where, with Matt Cutt’s permission, I published our e-mail exchange.

The list of “porn guy strokers” (ugh) should also include Seth Finkelstein, Phillip Lenssen, Barry Schwartz and Danny Sullivan, SEO/Google experts who were extremely generous in helping me getting our Google situation sorted out. Shit like this is nerve-wracking, their moral support was as appreciated as the technical insight!

We’ve had our share of problems with Google and Adwords and the erotophobic bias of the English language. Now it’s someone else’s turn to go through the rinse cycle.

Don’t Be Evil (Or A Dyke, Or Trans), Violet Blue’s Open Source Sex

Of course you can just do what Elora’s Cave does and make sure not to use any of the Google-verborten words that are the meat and potatos of your books anywhere on your website.

It can be hard not to be ashamed when nearly everywhere you turn, if you want to reap the benefits of particpating in the larger culture, you’re told you have to act like you are ashamed; substituting coded language and knowing looks for real ideas and authentic emotions.

(I don’t know what our favorite Hells Kitchen lumber yard is going to do if they ever feel they need to do some Google Ad words.)

Scroll down to out the ads Google generated for Violet Blue’s latest Chronical column:

Some things are so beautiful they shimmer!